Was it that simple?
After all these years?
I wanted to stand up on the airplane and yell, “The Devil is a liar!” when the reality popped into my head. I was headed to Colorado for a retreat, and as I walked down the aisle of the airplane to my seat, I sensed the Lord was answering a question I had been asking for a long time.
Struggling to feel safe in any kind of romantic relationship, I had been asking the Lord why. I wondered what was wrong with me. I had tried and tried to figure it out. But it wasn’t until I asked God, “How long am I going to have to wait to get over my fear of marriage?” that He responded, “Until you walk through it.” Which wasn’t really what I wanted to hear.
A few months later, I felt the Lord asking me a question. “Lindsay,” He said, “do you really want to get married? Because you don’t have to.”
After deep reflection, some face-on-the-floor prayer time and a ton of tears, I said something that was hard for me to say. “Yes, Lord, I do. Even though I know it’s not all rainbows and puppy dogs, the answer is still yes—I do desire marriage.”
It was hard to push past the fear that gripped my life for decades in that area—the potential pain of rejection and abandonment, the lies that screamed at me constantly, saying I would not be okay if I were rejected or abandoned, which simply isn’t true.
God heals all pain, if we allow Him—even our greatest fear.
I felt completely unworthy of the kind of man I desired. I felt I was unlovable because of all my flaws. My self-hatred was hidden deep and destroying dreams in my heart that I didn’t even know I had. I spent a decade of my life in such fear and insecurity that I depended on alcohol to even fake self-confidence when it came to men. I believed such hateful things about myself that I didn’t want to live anymore. But no one knew. You couldn’t see it on the outside, but it was eating my soul alive on the inside. Fear will do that and self-hatred will assist.
I was “that girl”—the one who would often say, “I trust Jesus so much that I believe He can bring my husband to my front door. I mean, He created the universe.”
That was, until that moment on the airplane when I asked God how long I would have to wait to overcome my fear of marriage and He said, “Until you walk through it.” He then said I was unknowingly using my strong faith to hide and protect myself, and that I needed to step out of the boat and trust Him in this area.
I have passed up many opportunities in my life to enter into a romantic relationship, all out of fear. I have walked through many of my fears. I thought I had overcome this one too—until I was faced with it again. I suddenly realized how weird I was in front of men… Still.
If they were cute (in my eyes), I was weird. If I didn’t find them attractive, I was weird. It was all very weird. I needed and wanted to get to the bottom of this “weird.” So, I prayed. I cried and I asked the One who created me to dig it out even if it hurts.
Six months later, He answered. I found myself on a sabbatical from work, which had way more to do with getting to the bottom of some of my wrong thinking in regards to men and marriage than anything else. It seems He took me up on the “even if it hurts” part. I often found myself lying on the kitchen floor weeping through my fears, crying so hard I was almost unable to catch my breath.
He was bringing up the pain that caused me to believe the lies about marriage and men so I could overcome them. He had indeed answered my prayer.
As I sat on that airplane—my sanctuary in the sky—on my way to Colorado, I realized I felt completely unworthy of a good marriage, or a husband I was genuinely attracted to. All of a sudden I thought, “Wait. What?” Could this whole mess be good, old-fashioned unworthiness?
Twenty-plus years of self-sabotage due to fear was caused by a sense of unworthiness? Could it be true? I was ticked, livid at the ability a lie had to hold me back in such a fierce way. Sometimes the enemy wants to complicate things. He wants to steal our identity and take with it our entire destiny.
But he can’t control us. All he can do is deceive us. And I was deceived for a long time about who I was and what I was created for.
When I looked up the word “worthy” in the dictionary, it said, being good enough to be considered important. I didn’t think I had good enough qualities to be considered a wife of a man I was attracted to. How dare the devil, the father of lies, lie to me all these years and tell me I wasn’t worthy of love! He lied to me and told me I wasn’t good enough, that no man would ever really like me, that marriage would destroy me, that I would be unable to love my husband. How dare he lie to me!
This revelation in my life came in layers. God used everything in my life to peel back one layer at a time. It was a process I had to walk through, just like He promised. It was painful at times, I won’t lie. But it was worth every single moment and every single tear.
Adapted from Letting Love In, How God Renews Relationships By Crushing Your Inner Critic by Lindsay Morgan Snyder. Click here to learn more about this title.
This relatable, easy to read book gives guidance to crushing your Inner Critic and spiritual truth to answer the “what do I do now” questions plaguing readers—all with a dash of Snyder’s personal struggles and lighthearted humor. Tackling ten universal lies people of all ages face—from fear and unworthiness to constant worry and discouragement. Snyder reveals the truth to help overcome those lies.
Through practical insight, Snyder leads readers on a journey to identify the internal lies, leading them to crush their Inner Critic one lie at a time. The book has been said by readers to have “heart healing power.”
“The internal fight inside our souls is hard because no one else can tell what’s going on” Snyder writes. Each chapter features practical guidance to overcome lies that keep us from love. In addition, every chapter ends with action steps and prayers. Snyder writes from the perspective of an empathetic friend on the journey.
Lindsay Morgan Snyder is an author, business owner, ministry student, novice fashion designer and avid entrepreneur. Snyder has worked with top leaders in the leadership space and written for everybody from Hollywood to Homeless shelters. Her love for adventure and random risk has led her to appear on Good Morning America and The Dr. Phil Show. She lives in Los Angeles CA. You can connect with Lindsay at LettingLoveInBook.com.